a poem, a photo

in the waning light

the colors of the day bleed away.

shadows overcome all that

was once familiar.

silence settles slowly,

under the rustling of leaves

and the crows' deafening song.

memories of the morning

and the blazing sun at noon

are buried in the past,

smothered by the night's embrace.

but for one glorious moment,

stillness descends from heaven

to the coldness of the earth.

painting mysteries in pink and orange.

glowing with a divinity

so clear, so brilliant

that illusions of the day melt

into the oneness of all.

listening to the wind of the soul,

the sky and heart are united

in life, in breath, in peace.

for one moment, perfection.

for one lifetime, a moment.

peace, peace, peace.

Story 108: Reflections; A List

So, we have finally arrived at the 108th story. One full trip around the mala; one cycle finished, another about to begin. This is how life works. One action leads to another, one story links to another. The endless flow of memories are like that, too. Over the course of these last 3 months, these stories have not only been a way for me to pay homage and memorial to my dearly departed, beloved companion, but also a way for me to turn all of the knowledge that Laika imparted in me throughout her life into actual wisdom.

On the plane yesterday, I was watching a wonderful video that someone put together about the mystical Indian poet Kabir. There is one quote that stuck with me, "if you have not lived through something, it is not true." I can safely say that without spending over a decade of our lives together, that Laika and I both wouldn't have realized the truths of compassion and selfless love. Yes, I miss her everyday, especially after returning from a long trip to a house that is devoid of her presence, but nothing can last forever. Greetings and partings should both be treated with the same respect and joy, as they are bookends to experiences that through reflection can lead to personal and spiritual growth as well as realizations of life's hidden truths. Laika was a teacher, and these stories are a testament to the lessons I now more fully understand.

I was wondering what the best way to write this last story would be, as I still have a list of exciting, sad and brave tales of Big Baby's life. The flow of these stories was sometimes planned and sometimes influenced by other more coincidences that reminded me of sometime deep in my memories that suddenly came clearly back in vivid color. So, I will take this idea from the movie Because of Winn-Dixie, which I just watched tonight for the first time with my parents, brother and nephew during our day after Thanksgiving gathering. In the movie, which was actually really good, a few characters make lists of 10 things they remember about loved ones who are missing in some way. At the end of the movie, Winn-Dixie comes back, as does the joy in the many characters' lives. Laika came back bravely hundreds of times during her sometimes hard life of battling cancer and other ailments, always with tail wagging and love to spread. I never constructed such a list, but after writing all of these stories, I am going to try. Here are 10 things that I will always remember about her:

1. Laika lived each day of her life bravely, even in the face of the unknown and obvious suffering. Her spirit and strength were, and still are, constant inspiration.

2. She had friends and admirers everywhere. She constantly showed that giving unconditional love and being around those who love in return is where true joy comes from.

3. Laika could adapt to any situation. Her life was a model for taking the hand she was dealt, sniffing it, and then resuming her tail wagging.

4. She showed that with right effort and conditions, even the seemingly worst habits can be transformed. (See Story 25.)

5. Laika was always happy to eat. It was potentially the greatest joy in her life. This was a never ending joy, too, as she was also always hungry!

6. She found ways to break the rules in ways that didn't really break the rules, which is a testament to her (sometimes too) clever problem solving skills.

7. Laika learned one trick. She turned that trick into a treat-getting joke, which somehow became an even better trick...which was still the same trick as before. Yes, a true magician. (See Story 32.)

8. She was a loyal and fearless protector (except against creaky doors and fireworks).

9. Laika turned mischief into a complete art form, redefining the meaning of the word through her creative and active mind. (See pretty much every story.) 

10. She was a true, quirky goofball who lived each day radiating excitement and joy. Her wiggly body, whiskered kisses and (sometimes dangerous) wagging tail were not just behaviors, they were extensions of her soul; her smallest and greatest gifts to the world.

Is this post a story? Probably not, in the traditional sense at least. It is, however, a tale that is ongoing as I continue to live this life that I was lucky enough to share with Laika, another being who gave to me more than I know I gave to her. I could easily write 108 more stories or list another 10 memorable things about her, but it still wouldn't be enough to convey how profoundly Miss Laika affected my life. I am forever changed and blessed by meeting her and for the opportunity to care for her through both good and bad. I now know that love doesn't need to start at greetings and cease at endings. Love exists always, it is the essence of all things.

Thank you Laika, I love you.

Story 107: Laika's Many Names

This past evening, I just returned from my trip. Unlike every previous time, Laika was not here to greet me. This is the reality of life, the reality of parting from the ones you love. With this project of devotion and memory nearly complete, I wanted to make these final two posts highlight her best aspects. Today is also Thanksgiving, and it is in that spirit that I offer this writing as a means of thanking Laika for all she gave to inspire, teach and entertain me in both good and bad times.

Throughout Laika's life, she acquired so many names which were reflected in these stories. Since this is the penultimate tale, I think is a wonderful time to present the finest ones with small little descriptions of how she came to acquire them. Here goes:

Baby Girl - this was Laika's name when Missy's old boss found here on the street. Not a creative name, but that was soon to change.

Laika - the official given name of our loveable, incorrigible protagonist of these epic tales. Missy chose the name to be spelled Leica, like the brand of camera, but I decided to go with the spelling to honor the first dog in space. Little did we know that Laika was actually from another galaxy! Perhaps choosing a more terrestrial name would have grounded her behavior a bit more to the ways of this planet. However, I wouldn't change anything, especially her name. It just fit!

Freak Bean - one half of the Freak Beans, Laika and Heisa made quite a dynamic duo. This nickname for them came about because I got a record by a band of the same name. Not only was it fun to say "freak beans" in a weird alien voice, but these two were total weirdos. This name stuck for years and years. (Coincidentally. Heisa was, herself, dubbed Bean early on.)

Baby Mosher - this was reserved for Laika's semi-destructive streak as a youth. She moshed what she saw.

Big Baby _____ - calling Laika by part of her previous given name plus any other word was a clear formula for getting a wild burst of loving, wiggly attention from her. She somehow knew these were terms of endearment and would respond by endearing herself immediately. Popular combinations were: Big Baby, Big Baby Laika, Big Baby Idiot (when she did something particularly dangerous), and Big Baby Butthead (or its derivative Mrs. Butthead or just plain Butthead).

Mrs. Mouse - this was by far the best of her nicknames. Elaina gave it to her because of Laika's love of cheese and her lovely, mousey whiskers. There was never an explanation or even inquiry into whether there was a Mr. Mouse or what came to be of him. There was occasionally speculation, though. Regardless, it was the most popular of her aliases. She would respond to this nickname with wagging tail and a flurry of kisses.

The Queen (of Mellon Street) - no explanation necessary for Her Royal Highness Laika I.

Miss Laika - her more "proper" name given by her friends in the oncology department. She was such a good girl there that this formality was completely necessary!

Laika Bear - Chris and Steph's go-to for their term of endearment for Big Baby Laika.

These are just some of the more enduring and memorable names that Laika responded to with full joy and affection. Given the great depth of her character and quirky personality, she wasn't a one-name kind of lady. In each situation and to each person she loved, Laika played a special role that was always reflected in these terms of endearment that we chose to honor her place in our hearts.

Bangkok Roundup Pt. 1

Apologies to the loyal readers who were missing out on the last week of my trip. Bangkok is a very interesting and diverse place, there are endless possibilities of things to do there...but this comes with the price of not affording leisure in most aspects of life. Everything is a non-stop battle with the physical (cars, boats, buses, people, motorbikes) and the abstract (time). Awesome things are happening, but, like all things in life, trying to take it all in is an invitation to miss out on the essence of what actually matters. So, I didn't write much at the time because I wanted a chance to let the whole cloth dye itself, rather than doing it a bit at a time. The color just wouldn't be right.

I already posted a play-by-play of the Bangkok experience in Thai, but this will be more reflection than explanation. I am going to maybe try to group things together by themes, but some things can't be separated easily at all. Here goes:

Language
For some reason, I went through more periods of "settling" in my Thai speaking this past week. I hit a comfort zone in Chiang Mai that quickly evaporated in Bangkok. It was definitely mental and at various points seemed a bit crippling at times due to over-thinking. My comprehension is way higher than before for certain, but my speaking is still catching-up. Also, an honest friend said that I needed work on more "native-like" speaking, which is true but hit me at an already critical moment, which didn't really help. But, in the past few days I made a concerted effort to speak a lot more and push the envelopes of my comfort zone. The results were really good, plus it made me realize that ego has no place in anything, especially suppressing natural language acquisition and opportunities to take risks to improve. My trip to the airport involved a 40 minute conversation with the taxi driver in which I had well over 90% comprehension and was speaking more fluently than before! So, like, worrying was just a hindrance in the path, but also a necessary step.

Also, my friends took me to chanting at Wat Suwan Keree last Saturday night for the "Buddha Day." It was the first time I could read along in the Thai-Pali book successfully! I was happy with this milestone.

Not Random Connections: Shiva
I ended-up renting a room in a different area of the city than I had stayed in previously called Khlong Saan. It has a ferryboat at Tha Din Deng (I think it means "red earth) pier that goes across the river to the commuter boat pier and Chinatown. Anyways, near the pier, there is a small Shiva shrine at which leaving an offering of a juice or coconut water became a morning routine for me. I found it kind of odd that Shiva was a theme of this trip, from learning that the history of Reusii Datton (Thai yoga) is linked to an ancient Shiva temple in NE Thailand, to buying a small statue of Shiva at the vegetarian restaurant near my place in Chiang Mai, to this shrine that just happened to be there. But...it doesn't end there.

A few days ago, I went back to a small, cluttered shop in a maze of markets in the Little India section of Bangkok. I had been there a few days earlier, but wanted to head back to look again. As I perused the wares, I started talking to the owner who was surprised I could speak Thai and her friend (who also spoke English really well, despite never having had the opportunity to study it abroad...she was impressive, to say the least). We ended up talking for over 3 hours, which was helped a bit by the pouring rain outside for much of that time. It was just great to sit and talk. The owner was glad that we could speak, since she only spoke a little bit of English. The entire time, there was a repetitive Indian song playing in the background, which, I gradually realized, was Shiva chanting. Also, the main altar that the owner had was...Shiva. Coincidence? I think not. I made two really nice new friends that day because of this energy.

The day after that, I made more new friends in a similar Shiva-related episode. I had gone to the area near the Hindu temple, where I used to stay, to eat. After finishing my meal, I talked briefly to a lady that was randomly sitting with me, as there were only a few tables on the sidewalk. After that, I went to pay respects in the temple. After going to the Shiva shrine, I felt compelled to go back to the restaurant to say goodbye to the owner. She asked me to sit with another lady who was maybe in her 50s who wanted to talk to me about eating J-food (the Thai vegan way). She was very nice and told me some of her friends who also ate that way had a sort of self-run charity a few blocks away and she wanted to introduce me. So, why not?

I went and waited in a small hair salon on a nearby alley talking to one very nice lady named Mui, waiting for the owner to come back from seeing someone who was not well. She and a few other ladies returned and were definitely surprised to find me there, but were some of the most gracious and generous people I have ever met. They told me a lot about why they eat J-food and how it benefits the world and all beings. I understood a lot, with the ladies taking turns explaining and clarifying. Then, they invited me to stay for lunch! Needless to say, it was delicious beyond words, they even had a realistic-looking fake fried egg made from tofu and soy beans. Even though my giant, non-Thai body broke the small plastic stool I was sitting on, it was still an amazing time. They sent me on my way with a few books, fruit, several bottled waters and an invitation to visit and travel in Thailand with them next year! Again, this adventure was not random, positive energy was working to make these connections.

Not Random Connections: Laika
A few nights ago, I was walking in Chinatown thinking about all the stories I have been writing about Laika. I had just seen a few happy-go-lucky street dogs, so, of course, she was on my mind. Not a few moments later, I came across a very large sign for a business called Laika Imports & Exports. I, of course, took a photo immediately (and sent it to my parents). Given the other happenings on this trip, I wasn't necessarily surprised, but seeing the ad mostly written in English with a bit of Thai was definitely not normal for the area. So, it was a sign (this is a pun) that her spirit is, indeed, following me still. Next time, if the business is still there, I will see what they sell. I suspect they deal in peanut butter and broken dog toys!

English Teaching
I had the opportunity to teach novice monks again this time. My friend the Professor took me. It was fun, but more like English mixed with Thai, which helped the students get a bit more involved. The school seems like a good place, but has very little structure. The second time, none of the students even came to their regularly scheduled chemistry class that I was supposed to help with. According to the Professor, this is pretty common. Still, I was able to help her do some editing on some English translations of science project abstracts. Next time, I would like to teach again, as the context and characters involved is always interesting.

Massages
I ended the trip on a strong note with near-daily massages from my friend who works at the famous Wat Pho school. It was helpful to know that my back and stomach pains are a result of my legs taking too much abuse. She taught me a lot about massage techniques and general health procedures of Thai medicine. I am glad that I was able to go so frequently, especially because these were good opportunities for both healing and improving my speaking and listening skills, too!

"Banana"
One of the Professor's previous students named Gluai, (which means "banana"), who I met last year, is graduating university soon with a BS in Chemistry. Instead of getting a job directly, he will be going to the USA for a 1-year volunteer internship teaching Thai language at a Thai temple near Philadelphia. He is very exited and wanted to spend time practicing English, so he took me on a motorbike tour of his university, a really impressive temple and to eat dinner one night. He basically taught himself English, and the results are really impressive. It was great to spend time with him and it actually helped me with my Thai speaking, too. His enthusiasm and very considerate ways made it really great to spend time together, too. We are already planning to meet after he comes here next year!

To be continued...

ไปเที่ยวที่กรุงเทพมา

ขอโทษมากที่แอนดี้ไม่ได้เขียนเกียวกับเดินทางมานานมากแล้วครับ แต่ว่าทุกวันอยู่ที่กรุงเทพผมยุ่งจัง ไม่ไช่ยุ่งจริงๆ ยุางไปเที่ยวและไปหาเพื่อนด้วย 555 บ้างวันผมไปชมวัดและไปนวดที่วัดโพรติ์เท่านั้น ร่างกายผมแข็งโดยเฉพาะขาและหลังด้วย มอนวดบอกว่าเพราะแอนดี้ไปเดินและวิ่งไกลมากทุกวัน ผมเห็นด้วย ต้องกลับบ้านผมจะไม่ไปวิ่งไกลและฝึกมวดไทยบ่วย คิดว่าจะฝึกฤษีดัดตนและเล่นโยคะแทน อย่างนี้ดีกว่า ก็อยากให้นิ้วหายเร็วๆนี้ด้วย

นอกจากไปเที่ยวคนเดียวเพื่อนๆพาแอนดี้ไปเที่ยว อาจารย์พาผมไปสอนภาษาอังกฤษให้สามเณรสองครั้งมา ครั้งแรกสนุกดี ครั้งที่สองเณรไม่มาเรียน ตลกมากๆ เราไปทานข้าวด้วยกันมาแทน กล้วยก็พาแอนดี้ไปชมวัดปากน้ำและไปหามหาวิทยาลัยของเขามา เราก็คุยกันนานมานเพราะว่าเขาจะไปสองภาษาไทยที่อเมริกาปีหน้า ไปเที่ยวกับเขาสนุกดีมาก เขาเป็นคนที่ดีจริงๆ วันเสาร์ที่ผ่านมาแอนดี้ไปสวดนมต์ที่วัดกับอาจารย์และกล้วย ชอบมาก ปีนี้อ่านตามหนังสือสวดมนต์ให้สำเร็จได้ ดีมากๆ

วันอาทิตย์ที่แล้วพัทพาแอนดี้ไปตลาด JJ มา สนุกแต่ไม่ได้ซื้ออะไรที่โน่น หลังจากนั้นเราไปซื้อของที่ MBK มา แอนดี้ซื้อของฝากเยอะมากให้ครอบครัวและเพื่อนด้วย MBK ก็มีอาหารเจที่อร่อยและถูกในห้องอาหาร ไปเที่ยวกับพัทสนุกดี

เปิ้นก็พาแอนดี้ไปซื้อของมาด้วย เราไปทานข้าวแถว BTS สยามที่ร้านอาหารเจที่อร่อยแต่แพงนิดน้อย หลังจากนั้นเราไปเดินเล่นในห้าง Siam Center มา สนุกมากๆ เพราะว่าแอนดี้ได้ไปดมเทียนเยอะมาก ทำให้ผมรู้สึกเหมือนไลก้า 555 เราก็ได้ไปไหว้พราะที่ศาลท้าวมหาพรหมด้วย ชอบไปฝังคนตรีและดูรำที่โน่นมากๆ ดีใจที่ได้ไปเที่ยวด้วยกับเพือนๆ

ที่กรุงเทพผมก็ได้รู้จักเพื่อนๆใหม่ครับ สางวันที่แล้วแอนดี้ได้ไปซื้อของที่ร้านฮินดูแถวอินเดียเอ็มโพเรี่ยม ไปซื้อของที่โน่นมาก่อน อยากไปซื้อของฝากให้เพื่อนและตัวเอง เจ้าของเป็นคนไทยแต่นับถือศาสนาฮินดู ร้านไม่ใหญ่แต่มีของที่สวยเยอะมาก แอนดี้ได้ซื้อผ้าพันคอและเสื้อหลายตัว ตอนซื้อของอยู่คุยกับเจ้าของและผู้หญิงอีกหนึ่งคนด้วย เขาพูดภาษาอังกฤษเก่งมากแต่ไม่เคยอยู่นอกเมืองไทย แอนดี้ประทับใจมากๆ เพราะว่าเจ้าของพูดภาษาไทยเท่านั้นเลยเราพูดแต่ภาษาไทย สนุกดีมาก พวกเขาเป็นคนใจดีมาก เราได้คุยกันสามชั่วโมงกว่า (เพราะฝนได้ตกหนักมาก) เจ้าของก็ให้ของฝากกับแอนดี้ โชกดีมาก ผมดีใจมากที่เจอผู้หญิงสองคนนี้ครับ

สองวันที่แล้วแอนดี้ก็โชคดีมากครับ หลังจากได้ทานข้าวเสร็จที่ร้านอาหารเจและไปใหว้พระที่วัดแขก แอนดี้กลับไปคุยกับเจ้าของร้านอาหารเจ ที่โน่าก็เจอหญิงหนึ่งคนที่อายุมากกว่าแอนดี้ประณาน 20 ปี เขาก็กินเจตลอดเวลา หลังจากได้คุยกันมากกล่า 10 นาทีเขาพาแน่นำแอนดี้ให้เพื่อนคนอื่นที่อยู่แถวร้านและกินเจด้วย เราไปได้เจอกันเพื่อนที่ร้านตัดผมและแอนดี้อยู่คุยกับพวกเขานานมาก เพื่อนเขาทุกคนใจดีมากๆ พวกเขาอธิบายการกินเจให้แอนดี้ฝัง หลังจากนั้นผู้หญิงหนึ่งคนทำกับเขาเจที่อร่อยมาก มีไข่เจที่ทำจากถั่งเหลืองด้อย ไม่เคยเห็นหรือชิม ตอนแอนดี้ออกไปพวกเขาชวนผมมาหาอีกปีหน้า แอนดี้จะไปแน่นอน ตื่นเต้นมากแล้วที่ไปเที่ยวเมืองไทยอีก เพาระว่าตอนนี้มาเพื่อนหลายคนที่ทุกที่ครับ

Story 106: Blinkers

I am in the Taipei airport on my return trip from Thailand, I am not sure what day it is but I am going to post this story now and hopefully another on the next flight or in LA as wi-fi permits. I have a bunch of ideas that I won't get to fit into the 108 tales, which is obviously a testament to the many very memorable years shared with Laika. Today's story involves Laika and her old pal Heisa.

Laika and Heisa were partners in crime, they were also kind of an accidental comedy duo as well. One of their best acts was dubbed "blinkers" by Elaina and I. Whenever something exciting was happening, both pup became blurs of tail wagging. Since both had substantial whip-action, this could present a bit of a problem as they jockeyed for position to be closer to treats or the opening door or a desired toy, etc. Their solution: whichever was in the rear wouldn't didn't do anything to avoid the other's tail except to blink really hard when it came close to their face. A simple solution; a hilarious solution.

Elaina and I would laugh endlessly at their dopey blinking, which usually occurred just beyond the reach of the offending tail. I came up with a pretty good impression that, while amusing, paled in comparison to real deal. Laika continued this practice long after Elaina and Heisa moved out, too. If she was nearby while I was jumping rope, she would position herself millimeters beyond the reach of the rope, laying on the ground and blinking along with the rhythm of its swinging. It was almost hard to keep from laughing at her mix of leisure and extreme concentration.

Just thinking about this is still really hilarious. It was a very special skill that Laika and Heisa shared. It was also one of the subtle quirks that made taking care of Laika endlessly entertaining.

Story 105: Broken Nail

To switch gears a little bit with a story from Laika's youth, this one is memorable for both my naivete in expectations from vet-related technology and the inspiration to get insurance. It was also a first in the long line of Laika's accident prone ways.

After fully taking respondibilty of Laika's care, she was, of course, a wild ball of energy. She got a clean bill of health during her first check-up, which was great. It didn't seem too expensive, either, which was good, too. However, a few days later, her overzealousness led to an accident which brought us back to the vet pretty quickly.

Laika was running away from Ramona into Missy's house (presumably after doing something to annoy her),  when she slipped and skidded into the concrete stoop near the backdoor! A small bit of whimpering and shrieking sent Missy and I into alarm, but it subsided quickly with Big Baby happy to get the attention while we inspected her. She had only broken her nail on one of the front paws, which was a relief. However, there was a jagged bit still sticking out. It wasn't bleeding, so I made a vet appointment for the next day. They suggested that I keep it covered, which, in hindsight, was the first of too many failed attempts to wrap an injured part of Laika's body. The wrap was made from a few old socks taped to keep them in place. I thought it was well-done. It lasted about 3 minutes before she decided to rip it off. So, no wrap.

The next morning, we went to the vet. I figured there was going to be some high-tech nail remover. As it turns out, I was far from correct. Instead, it was just a set of pliers used to extract the rest of the nail, Three Stooges-style! I felt horrible for Laika. To make things worse, they were short on vet techs that day, so I had to help restrain her during the quick, uncomfortable operation. I told the vet I would hold Laika from the side, but I didn't want her to see me involved or associate me with the procedure. I hugged her tightly as the vet pulled the nail out, but Laika still shrieked very loudly. I felt terrible, but it needed to be done to prevent infection. In true Laika fashion, she recovered immediately as the treats were administered, tail wagging at top speed. I was as relieved as her, I think.

Given the cost of the extraction by pliers, I figured if actual technology or advanced treatments were involved then it would be way more expensive. I wanted a happy and healthy pup, but if treatments were needed I also wanted to be able to have help paying. The broken nail led to the seed of getting insurance being planted. In some ways, it was a silver lining to a painful ordeal for Laika.